Love Is Not Always Easy
by hippie-girl 31
Summary: Will/Djaq OneShot Being a couple is not exactly what they thought it would be.Slight spoilers for end of S2.


_Just a sort of angsty/fluffy oneshot about how Will and Djaq adjust to being a couple. I hope that you enjoy it. Feel free to review it if you like...or not. It's up to you, of course._

_**Will**_

It's not the way I thought it would be. I mean, I had loved her for such a long time without her knowing it, that there was bound to be a fantasy or two bouncing around in my head. A bit more than real love could ever live up to.

I kind of thought that finally being with her, openly, would solve every problem in my life. I thought that having her return my love would make the whole world complete. I guess that's normal. Things rarely turn out the way we plan, though, do they?

Certainly my life has not been what I used to think it would be. Even being an outlaw is not exactly what I imagined in the beginning.

In many ways, my life is better than I ever could have hoped. I have friends and a purpose that mean the world to me.

In some ways, though, it's not nearly as good. I will always miss my parents and regret how they died.

The same goes for being an outlaw, I guess. I know that I help people, and that makes me proud. But the danger and the cold have taken some getting used to. The hunger was, at least, nothing new.

Still, it's been an adjustment. Yeah.

It makes sense, then, that being with Djaq would be that way too. Much better than everything my imagination ever came up with...but, also, much harder in some ways than I ever would have thought.

That's what it really boils down to, I guess. It's just not as easy as I thought it would be.

_**Djaq**_

I thought that we were going to die. For the first time, I really saw no alternative. No plans and no amount of luck were going to save us. Our lives had reached an end.

So it was not as difficult to tell him as it would have been otherwise. After all, there would be no awkwardness tomorrow when it all sank in. There would be _no tomorrow_.

I could simply say the words and hope that he knew what it took for me to admit my feelings to him. I hoped that he understood all of the things that would have to remain unsaid. I loved him. That was all he needed to know. He could take that to his grave and perhaps it would bring him a bit of solace at the end.

The best part was that there would be no consequences to opening my heart. No commitments, no promises, no disappointments on either side.

Just pure love, for our last night.

Of course, it did not work out that way. Things rarely do.

I'm not complaining...far from it. I'm truly grateful to have this second chance at life. I'm grateful that we all have it.

It's just that I would probably have done things differently...if I would have known...that's all. If I would have had any idea that there was the smallest chance at survival, I do not think that I would have told him.

Because, as difficult as it was before...keeping my feelings inside, being on guard around him, wishing to hold him and then wishing that I did not want to...as difficult as all of that was, it's so much harder now.

I guess that is really what it all comes down to. Being with him is not easy.

_**Will**_

When she first admitted that she was in love with me, it was like the world opened up and everything suddenly made sense. It was like I could breathe for the first time.

Of course, I told her that I loved her too. I would have told her long ago, if I had had any idea that she would be open to accepting it.

It wasn't even that I kept it from her because I was afraid she wouldn't love me back. No, that wasn't it.

The truth is that I kind of thought that she might have some feelings for me somewhere inside. She often looked at me the same way that I looked at her. That same unsure smile...that same searching expression. Wondering if we were sharing something that only we could see.

Allan and Much used to tease me about being too shy for my own good.

"How're ya gonna know if you don't take a chance? That's all I'm sayin'. Just tell 'er that you fancy her, mate." Allan would always say. Until I told him to shut up about it once and for all. He did, surprisingly.

No, the reason that I never brought it up was that I was sure that she would be uncomfortable with my feelings...and her own.

She wanted so much to be respected for her abilities and intelligence. She just didn't seem like the kind of woman who would appreciate being singled out _because_ she was a woman...singled out for her beauty or for romance.

So I kept it inside and never thought the day would come when she would open the door to me telling her. But she did. So _I _did.

And it all seemed so perfect and tragic at the same time. There we were, with the promise of a whole new life together. I could see our future together so clearly for the first time...marriage, children, enough happiness to last a lifetime.

But, of course, our life would leave time for little more than a few sweet words and maybe a first and last kiss. That was all.

And then, beyond all hope, we survived. What an incredible gift. For all of us. But especially for Djaq and me. We now had the rest of our lives to love each other. I couldn't wait to get started.

But now I know that she would probably never have told me how she felt, or listened to me tell her, if she would have known that we might live. I really believe that.

I actually think that, even now, she would take it all back if she could. The only reason she doesn't is because I don't think she can stand the thought of hurting me.

Don't get me wrong. She loves me. I know that without a doubt. She loves me so much that it scares her. That's what it is. She's afraid of losing herself to me...of losing who she is and who she wants to be.

She has this fierce need to be independent...to rely on no one. To be strong at all costs.

And her love for me conflicts with that. I can see it. She wants to need me and to allow herself to lean on me sometimes...and that's what frightens her the most. That she wants it.

Sometimes, when I try to hold her or put an arm around her, she flinches. But I can tell that it's not her natural reaction because there is always a slight hesitation beforehand. Her natural response is to accept my touch and my comfort.

She forces herself to flinch so that I will see it and keep some distance between us. And I do.

I try to always allow _her_ to come to _me_ now. Because that's the way she wants it. I let her initiate contact. And I let her decide when to break away. It's very difficult sometimes because I love her and I need her.

But, I find that, since I have started leaving it up to her, she comes to me much more often. She embraces me more fully and for longer. She holds onto my arm when we walk together. She shares her thoughts with me, at times.

She even shares herself with me at night now, in the bedchamber where I sleep alone. She creeps in and lays down with me for a while. She gives herself to me almost completely then.

She murmurs sweet words that are music to my soul. She tells me how much she loves me. How safe she feels in my arms. I am not even certain if she is aware of saying these things. Perhaps it is her passion speaking. But no...I see it in her eyes when she looks down at me. I see more than desire. I see her love for me.

She shares herself a little more each day. And that's enough for me. I do not wish to own her...only to love her.

_**Djaq**_

I thought that I could escape from loving him by staying in Acre. I never dreamed that Will would want to stay with me.

I knew that he loved me, but I also knew how important the poor of Nottingham were to him.

So when I took him aside, the day before we were all set to depart for England, and told him of my intentions, I was not surprised by his sadness. I had expected it. I was sorry for it...for him and for myself. Sorrier than even I was prepared for. But it had to be done. For both of our sakes.

He was naïve and he had no idea what he would be getting himself into with me. So I tried to let him down easy...before he could be really hurt.

I told him that I cared for him but that I felt that I had done all I could do for his people and that I needed to stay in Acre and try to help my own people for a change.

I was truly shocked when, after considering this for a moment or two, he nodded and said that he would stay as well.

Panic.

"Oh, no, Will. I could not ask you to do that. Your people need you. I will do this on my own."

But he looked determined and said, "You did not ask me. I'm offering. I love you and I can not go back without you. Please."

I scrambled for something else to say. Some way to convince him to give up on me. I never really considered telling him the truth. What would I have said?

_Hey, Will? Sorry I said that I loved you. I sure wish I hadn't. Now everything is rather a complicated mess. I was not prepared for having to adjust my life. It never occurred to me that I might love you so much it would hurt. You're just too good and honorable and I know that I will end up hurting you because I can not share myself in the way that you expect me to. In the way that every other woman in the world would be glad to do. So, how about we just forget this whole thing and pretend it never happened? What do you say?_

Maybe I should have done that. But I just couldn't bring myself to. Nor could I make myself lie and tell him I did not love him. That is the one thing I could never do.

But I had to do something. He was so eager, so open. So full of expectations for a life with me. But I had a life. Albeit a strange one.

But, strange or not, I liked where I was in my life. I was finally able to be myself.

Not my father's daughter or my brother's sister. Not a slave or a soldier pretending to be a boy. Not a young woman feigning ignorance about the world of alchemy and healing...about scholarship and war...just to blend into a man's world...a world that was not ready for a woman of learning and strength.

I was me. Myself. A woman. A fighter. A _survivor_. Strong and smart and full of ideas. I had finally reached a point where I could practice my craft openly, as a woman. I was needed and valued. I saved lives.

Sure, we were in constant danger and barely survived the winters...even with a permanent camp. But I was respected by the men in my life and not shielded by them. They were proud to have me fight by their side. They trusted me and my skills and instincts.

But I knew what the world expected of women. Once I allowed love to define me...once I allowed a man to define who I was...things would never be the same again.

So I tried to be more forceful. I tried to make him feel guilty about staying.

"What about your brother, Will? He has lost so much already. Won't he feel abandoned? If you would not leave Robin to go to Scarborough with him, how will he understand when you leave Robin to stay here, with me?"

It was sneaky and cruel and I knew it, but I really thought it would work. It did _not_ work. He insisted on staying with me and I did not know how else to convince him. So here we are.

Ironically, in my quest to maintain my independence, I ended up being stuck in a world that made no question of where a woman belonged. In Jerusalem, as in all parts of the Holy Land, a woman's place is at home, veiled and hidden. She belonged to the men in her life.

Of course, I am luckier than most. Will and I live in Bassam's house, which affords us some protections from the community.

And Bassam indulges me and accepts what he calls 'my Englishness.' He assumes that my independence and the way that I spurn tradition comes from my time in England. He does not fight me on it.

And, of course, he permits me to keep Will with me when propriety dictates that he must live elsewhere, as we are not man and wife.

I am also lucky with Will. He is not demanding of my time or my attention. He works on carpentry and learning the language and he seems happy when I pursue things that interest me.

Still, there is much here that I can not do, as a woman. But I have only myself to blame. I chose to stay.

In truth, had we returned to Sherwood, it is possible that my life would not have changed so drastically from what it was there before I was with Will. Perhaps I could have continued on the path that I had been following.

And there would have been much to occupy our time, so I would not have found myself alone with him as frequently as I do here.

This aloneness with him is what troubles me. He wants so much to know all of me, I can see it every time he looks at me. He wants to connect with my very soul.

And I find that I just want to hide from him at times. I just want to push him away and give myself room to breathe. Before I lose myself completely.

But he tries to give me the space that I need. He is kind in that way. He is always kind. I know that he is hurt by the distance I place between us and I am sorry for it. I knew that it would be this way, if I allowed him to love me.

I just can not give myself completely. I do not trust any other person that much. I suppose that it goes back to the fact that I lost everything that I loved at such a young age. Father, brother, home, freedom. I was forced to look after myself.

And it causes me to be unwilling to need anyone so much that I would be unable to do without them. But I fear that it is already too late. Because I _do_ need him. And I fear that I can _not_ do without him.

Lately, I come to him at night. The first time he was startled and concerned. He had never attempted to take our relationship to that level. We never even came close before.

But I kissed him and laid in his arms and assured him that it was what I wanted. And I did want it. I need it. I need to have him as close to me as I possibly can.

And when he makes love to me, I feel that I can let go of all of the fear and doubt that I hold inside. I can finally become one with him. One in body, one in spirit.

I can whisper things to him that I need him to know. Things that I still do not have the courage to say to him at any other time.

But when we have finished...when we have kissed and caressed... and sighed and moaned... and moved and cried out our release...then I get up and I leave him. I return to my own chamber and I sleep alone.

Although...I do wonder how it would be to spend the whole night in his arms. To wake up to his smile in the morning. If we were married, as he has spoken of, then it could be so. But I am not ready for such a commitment. Still...I think about it once in a while.

Maybe we could go back to England and rejoin the gang. I am sure that we are needed there. And Will misses everything he left behind. I miss my life there as well.

Perhaps I can still be myself there and have the life that I have chosen. Perhaps I do not have to choose between love and freedom. That choice is too difficult to make. I need my freedom, but I crave his love. Now that I have tasted both, I can give up neither.

Perhaps I will ask Will if he is ready to return home together. I will creep back to his room now, and see if he is still awake. Since it is nearly dawn, maybe I will even stay there with him...just this once.

_A/N I hope that it made sense. He is learning that she isn't really some fantasy woman...she's a real woman with real needs and fears. She is learning that maybe she can give in a little and trust his love...that she does not have to sacrifice herself in order to love him. Anyway, I hope it came across alright...not too weird._


End file.
